I have a lot to write, but no idea how. I’m having trouble forming my feelings into words and my words into sentences. It seems that words cannot fathom what I’m feeling.
I feel so helpless and so hurt. All of my good memories have been tainted with deceit. I was so stupid - and I’m more than certain that I still am, if not more. For the longest time, I have had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and after having those doubts confirmed and worsened even, I’m at a loss for words as well as for thoughts. I had been so stupid for such a long time, wasting my words and my emotions as if they held any meaning. I’ve experienced such amazing things and, to my dismay, I’ve also experienced the worst kinds of things; both of these types of experiences having lost all meaning whatsoever. It hurts knowing that. I wanted so badly to mean something. I wanted so badly to feel special and to actually be special. I’m embarrassed to note, but there were times when I almost felt like I meant something, as if I could be special. I was so foolish to even consider anything of the sort for even a moment.
Why did I do this to myself?
I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t even know how to continue on with this useless post.
Guam’s weather has been cuddle-friendly lately. ❤
Today was a long day, though I’m still trying to decide if it was a good one or not.
I have a notebook that I use for lists - to do lists, happy lists, sad lists, whatever - and I seldom ever read through them. Most of the lists within the notebook just make me extremely sad and I’m still learning to accept them, though it’s proven to be difficult. Nathan wrote a list a little over a month ago that breaks my heart every time I glance at it. I want to rip it out, but as much as it hurts, ripping it out won’t change what it represents, so I leave it where it is. Sometimes I feel to urge to rip out all of the pages of lists, but I can never bring myself to do so. As I read through my lists some minutes ago, the only thing that made sense to me was “remember to write things down.” Everything else seems irrelevant. I don’t know why I wrote that on my “To Do” list for this year (written in January), but it seems so important right now. I can’t explain myself or why I feel this way, but it’s just so meaningful to me.
I’m at a very strange point in my life and I don’t know what else to do except to write things down, despite what they are and what they’re about or if they even make sense. I’m probably not making sense, but I need to remember this.
This is a photo of my boyfriend and I. I love him dearly. ❤
Today is Mother’s Day. Nathan made this card for me and filled it with such beautiful words. Today Nathan and I had lunch with his mother’s family and dinner with his father’s family. Afterwards, we cleaned and rearranged our bedroom. It’s already past midnight and I’m so sleepy. Goodnight! ❤
I LIKE BIG BOOKS AND I CANNOT LIE.
This is Nathan, my sleepyhead. Lately things have been difficult, but we work through everything as best as we can and always remember to love each other through everything we endure. Today we were fairly exhausted. I’m anticipating summer because I think we both really need a break from everyone and everything. He’s currently away right now and I miss him every moment he is not by my side. I’m trying patiently to wait for his return, but that won’t be for another hour or so. Sigh.
Today I am exhausted and sad and confused and everything in between.
